How to be a True Gamer

Would you believe I’m still alive? I know, somebody abandoning their blog for a year or two; unheard of.

Anyway, I really am still alive, and surprisingly enough I’m actually still interested in writing this rubbish to the benefit of absolutely no one. So, let’s get down to business. Welcome to my step-by-step guide on how to be a True Gamer. I you do not follow every step listed, you are not a True Gamer and are thus no longer entitled to have an opinion. Sorry, but them’s the rules. I’d also like to point out that this guide was in no way inspired by recent events involving the release of, and reaction to, a certain game. No sir.

  • 1. One gamer, one voice – it’s a well known fact that all True Gamers are highly discerning and, as such, any opinion they hold is, in fact, the One True Opinion. If anyone disagrees with your opinion, don’t worry: they’re obviously not True Gamers, and so are wrong. It is your right; nay, your duty to make them aware of this fact. Ideally by reiterating your opinion over and over again until they concede.
  • 2. There is no subject in which you are unqualified – this is an important companion to the above rule. Not only are your opinions actually objective truths, but they should be wide-ranging and all-encompassing. Of course you have a full and complete understanding of the minds and intentions of those making the games. And of reviewers. And don’t let not having played a game get in your way – your True Gamer status imbues you with the ability to just know whether a game is worthwhile or not simply by looking at it. What’s that, you’ve not even seen it? No matter, I’m sure you’ve heard of it, and that’s just as good! And look, it’s by those guys that you don’t like because of that thing that they did before! The evidence is irrefutable.
  • 3. Stick it to The Man – The Man being the games industry, of course, and as well all know games journalists are just shills for said industry, so let them have it. Remember, anybody portraying a game you don’t like in anything but the most scathing manner is a sell-out (and probably a fanboy too), and it’s important that you let everybody else know it in comments threads and discussion forums. Equally, a reviewer who dares criticise any elements of a game you actually like is in the pocket of some other company, biased, and just generally unqualified to review any games at all. Remember the core rule: your opinion is the only valid opinion, and anything which differs from your opinion is a sure sign of unprofessionalism and bias.
  • 4. You are entitled to get what you want – think of all the great things you’ve done for the games industry. You’ve paid them good money for their games (well, some of them at least – so many games just deserve to be pirated, after all). You’ve offered your opinions on games far and wide, without a single request for payment, unlike those corporate-whore games journalists. So now it’s their turn to give something back. You deserve the best. You deserve games that are just the right length for you; remember a game that is too short is a waste of your money and an absolute travesty; any talk of short-form narratives and focussing on tightly polished gameplay is nothing more than the idle sound of developers running to the bank with your hard-earned money. Equally, a game that is too long is a waste of your time, bloated, and just a sign of a lack of focus by the developers. And woe betide any company offering irrelevant, customisable options at a financial cost: those optional extras are far from optional – everyone knows that! This is nothing more than asking you to pay for a game twice, and is absolutely sickening behaviour.
  • 5. Share the love – finally, and this is the most important part, you must spread the word. I’ve already mentioned using comments threads and discussion forums to denounce unworthy games journalists, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Of course you can always put your opinions on various blogs, social networks, video sharing websites et al., but what you really need is people power. Or, to be more precise, True Gamer power. Because you aren’t the only one holding your opinions; of course not, they are all truths, after all, and not everyone is blind! So find your compatriots, the other True Gamers who know that something is wrong, oh so wrong, in this world of games. Now, with your combined might you can spread your love for games far and wide, denouncing the unworthy on sites across the land en masse, not least taking advantage of sites which aggregate ratings, where your organised resistance can hold out against the tyranny of The Man and show people the truth about the games they foolishly hold dear.

Congratulations, you are now a True Gamer, and your opinions will be heard far and wide. Pat yourself on the back and allow yourself to bask in the glory of your achievements, for you have truly made the gaming sphere a better place for everyone.


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April 2011
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